As you die

Pansy posted a status expressing her thought on how dead people don’t age. I guess she lost someone close to her when she was thirteen. The loss of loved ones can absolutely break us down in ways unimaginable. Some people are never able to move on; they start hallucinating and cry over haunting memories. Just imagine how it would feel to lose a best friend. Who’d tolerate you in your worst states? Who’d help you get back on your feet when times seem harsh? I certainly won’t be able to cope with the death of Gaurav. I would lose most of myself after he passes away. I don’t want to think about it at all. Dying is pretty easy, to be honest. You just stop breathing, your heart stops pumping blood and the pulses cease to run. My grandfather once told me as he was laying on his bed, “baperok sai jabo kobi, ketia singi jau kobo nuaru”. What he wanted me to do is tell my father to see him one last time for he might not know when he’ll stop living. Although he survived cancer, he’s still suffering greatly. He was a very energetic person who didn’t shy away from hard, time taking work. But now, he can’t even get out of his bed without moaning out of pain. I didn’t really get emotional when he told me this but it kind of hurt me. I was a bit taken aback. I guess he’s just waiting for death to knock on his door. It’s all about that last moment before you close your eyes to life. I have no idea how it’d feel. What have we gone through as human beings? I am sure no one knows about the other’s life. I know what he has gone through in life. Hell, he has seen his eldest son speak his last words in front of his eyes. How heartbreaking would it be for a father to lose his eldest son? His eldest son was my nisa (elder uncle) who died of liver failure three years ago. I still remember how my mother sobbed as our car drove in to her natal house. The entire place was crowded that evening. My uncle was a well known personality in those parts. I cried because I saw others cry. I was a kid and I hadn’t really come to terms with the loss of family. I was almost oblivious to emotion. I can never forget that day. And sometimes, I think about him. I try to recollect memories of him in little corners of my head. He loved me like a father loves his son. He was the only person I loved more than anyone in my maternal family. I wish I had seen more of you. Life would have been so better and colorful if you still lived. Like all dead people, you left nothing but memories.

So selfish of you to leave your entire family alone. You left Mou and Mon (my cousins) and you wife alone. Mon, he was just three years old. He was so fucking young that he doesn’t remember how you looked. I doubt he has any memories of you. Then, you took away your children’s mother. It took another two years for Apaa (my aunt) to die of an impromptu disease. Your children lost everything. Now, they are living under my grandparents and younger uncle and aunt. I hope you know that Mou is stronger than she seems. She doesn’t cry anymore. I don’t know and seriously don’t want to know how she has coped with life for all these years. Just know that they can take care of themselves. You don’t have to pay any heed.

My parents annoy me a lot and I swear there are times when I wish for them to die. But is it that easy? I’d be forced to make major life decisions and I don’t think that I am ready. I know that I won’t be able to handle myself. I’d probably drink and drown my sorrows in smoke and music. Just know that I won’t recover. Dying, as I said is easy but coping is hard. That is all there is. Moments like these make me think about people I love and loved, how I want to tell them that they make my life better just by being in it. But then, everybody has to die.


I have a theory on what happens after we die. I mean, most people think that life ends after birth. The presence of that particular human being vanishes off the face of the Earth. Then people would talk about rebirth or resurrections. I wouldn’t go down that alley but I have an analogy of my mine. I think that someone dies they almost instantaneously take birth somewhere else. The sense of being would of course disappear after you die. But that very sense of being would return. You’d come out of your mother’s womb crying aloud. You wouldn’t have any idea about your past life. You know how some people have ideas about what they were in their previous lives. It’s the same. People die. Period. They lose life and take birth somewhere else. It’s crazy but I live by it.



Inside the little ones.

Babies are always dumbstruck. They have the mininum amount of understanding about what’s going. I was going home on the elevator where there was this woman with a child on her arms. The baby was about, um let’s say he doesn’t walk yet. I kept gesturing my hand indicating a hello at the baby but he could only stare at me. What is he thinking about? He saw two men each having the opposite complexion. His vision is somewhat blurry. He kept staring us with so much concentration that it was hard to break. He was intently and forcefully looking at us. I can’t tell if he’s scared or just curious of two men bigger and older than him. He doesn’t even know the concept of age. He knows how to eat and sleep and play with weird figurines. How much do you know about childhood? Not the one where you learned to ride a bike or watched animax. The one where you needed help. The one where one was just learning about the images in his head and the voices one hears. Most of us are pretty forgetful of what happened during that age. I have a cousin brother who is in primary school; he just can’t figure out how his father looked. My nisa (elder uncle) expired before his son could learn his ABC’s. Childhood deals with a lot of blurry and veiled memories. I remember how I stole unripe mangoes from an orchard near my house. They tasted warm and and had this raw taste. It felt good but didn’t taste any better. But now, I won’t be able to find my way back to orchard. That path in my mind is lost somewhere. Think about a child who has just learned to how to walk and now, he’s just frolicking about. He falls, picks himself up and walks ahead. How does it feel to walk on those two little legs? It’s scary because bigger objects can slow him down and he may fall. But on the other hand, he’s extremely happy to have achieved the gift of walking. He’s as curious as the audience watching a Christopher Nolan feature. Anything can happen and there is no going back. A child just grows like a weed learning things and experiencing situations. 

People reflect on their childhood and heavily use it as art. They feel a lot safer doing it. Everything’s a carefree game when you’re small. As you grow up, times get harder and just use your childhood to feel better. Teenage and adulthood are very crucial yet are crazy stages of life. Life depends on it, almost entirely. Remember, always “let the grown ups speak”. And I can’t carry the weight of how true this statement is. 

I saw a lot of kids today. One who was just learning how to walk and another one who didn’t hello me back. He was paranoid of how I looked. 

P.S. There are a lot of things going on in my head everyday. I always look forward to write whatever seems good. And this incident regarding babies went on top. Somehow, writing about childhood always seems better. It is haunting; but feels good.