Hey beautiful!

Dear Maini,I didn’t go to school the other day. I was too sleepy and fed up with the never ending week that sucked me into a painful routine. I woke up and told my mother and Gaurav’s mother (so that he didn’t have to go too) that I’d be skipping school today. I dragged myself onto the bed again to plunge into a heartwarming sleep. I know you love that feeling. I remember how sleepy you were without being particularly lazy. In no time, I lost myself. And almost instantaneously I was in a dream. I was on your terrace. I don’t know how I even got there. I haven’t been thinking about you lately nor have you struck my mind (which you do). I mean, that’s how dreams work. They just appear out of nowhere to keep you hooked even after you’ve woke up. And if the dream turns out to be so impactful, you’ll remember it for days just like I remember it. I guess it will be on my mind for a vast period of time. 

Carrying on, I am sitting on a low stool while looking at you coming towards me. Maybe your parents were home, since you were scared somewhat. You trembled with fear and surprise upon seeing me. We both sat below the edge of the terrace so that nobody would see us. I don’t remember what we were talking about but I do have a vague idea about it. I was reprimanding like I always do. I wanted to make things the way they were before. I wanted to be all convincing and chivalrous just to make you feel good about me again. Then somebody called you, a guy named Richard who studies in our school. He came just to take you out on a date. I mean, this guy? Seriously? Why of all boys did he have to come? So I commanded you to turn him back. I came here, exclusively just to win you back. I wouldn’t let that weird dude come in my way. Then you turned him back and I said hello. Awestruck, he looked at me. I could guess how he was feeling, the girl he wanted to take out is being seized by her ex boyfriend. He sadly walked away. Then you sat ever so lavishly and with posie on my lap. I could almost feel how vulnerable you were. I could smell your mesmerizing cologne on my shirt. I talked my way into luring you. I wanted you so bad, I couldn’t just let the moment run past me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes already.

And then, out of thin air your grandmother pops out. Her cameo made you break free from my latch. She didn’t react much to our little reconciliation. Ironically, she smiled and acted as if nothing was wrong with the picture. She whispered something in your ear and left with a smile glanced towards me. You came towards me again and told me how unnecessary it was for us to part. We were something of a ‘forever’. I guess it’s only natural for my mind to take my side. The dream was like a fairy tale directed by me. I know that it was none but me to blame. I was the one who destroyed this almost perfect relationship. But the dream, oh I was so happy in there. I could live out my entire life on that terrace with you by my side. The thing you do with your nose, the way you twitch it made me weak in the knees. I can never seem to forget it and neither will my subconscious. The moment you did that , I leaned forward to put my lips on yours. Believe me when I say it, I felt like it was real. I mean, not even a strong memory holds much appeal. I was in there and I could control myself. We didn’t lock our lips right away. We teased each other until we completed exploring every area of our mouths. I eased in and so did you. Things went steamy right away. I kissed you hard and you rolled your tongue in. I wanted to put more detail but no more. Nobody kisses me like you do. I can come out and say that there is no girl I know who kisses better than you do. You’re amazing. I will say that I’ve kissed a handful of girls but you, you are exceptional. You make it sensual being awfully playful. I miss you so much that words never cease to bleed. I’m feeling good that I can write so well when you are the subject of my musing. The dream ends like a movie where the hero gets the heroine despite the struggle. 

See, I won’t say that I want you back. We’re too distant now even though your place is a 5 minute walk from mine. I still can’t visit or call you for I cannot seem to gather the guts. There is no way we’d think that we haven’t moved on. It’s been five months, five eventful months. Things change with so much time in between. It won’t be easy to pick up where we left off. I am not sure if I love you but I miss you, a lot. I sob when I can’t feel you. Your body still haunts me. I’ve been meaning to express how I feel about you and here it is. It’s hit or miss.

Is love so hurtful? I mean your departure is still creating storms in my head. If this ain’t true love, I don’t know what is. I must say that my emotional state has gone through drastic and dramatic changes. I am not the same. And I am not hoping that you haven’t changed either. Shit, I had so much to say to you. Nothing seems satisfyingly enough. I want to request just one thing from you. I want you to think about me, at times when you feel a little out of place. Think about how I made you smile through lame jokes and antics. Think about the way we kissed. Appreciate the good things that enveloped our short lived yet beautiful relationship. Stay safe.

Your greatest admirer and recovering lover,




Inside the little ones.

Babies are always dumbstruck. They have the mininum amount of understanding about what’s going. I was going home on the elevator where there was this woman with a child on her arms. The baby was about, um let’s say he doesn’t walk yet. I kept gesturing my hand indicating a hello at the baby but he could only stare at me. What is he thinking about? He saw two men each having the opposite complexion. His vision is somewhat blurry. He kept staring us with so much concentration that it was hard to break. He was intently and forcefully looking at us. I can’t tell if he’s scared or just curious of two men bigger and older than him. He doesn’t even know the concept of age. He knows how to eat and sleep and play with weird figurines. How much do you know about childhood? Not the one where you learned to ride a bike or watched animax. The one where you needed help. The one where one was just learning about the images in his head and the voices one hears. Most of us are pretty forgetful of what happened during that age. I have a cousin brother who is in primary school; he just can’t figure out how his father looked. My nisa (elder uncle) expired before his son could learn his ABC’s. Childhood deals with a lot of blurry and veiled memories. I remember how I stole unripe mangoes from an orchard near my house. They tasted warm and and had this raw taste. It felt good but didn’t taste any better. But now, I won’t be able to find my way back to orchard. That path in my mind is lost somewhere. Think about a child who has just learned to how to walk and now, he’s just frolicking about. He falls, picks himself up and walks ahead. How does it feel to walk on those two little legs? It’s scary because bigger objects can slow him down and he may fall. But on the other hand, he’s extremely happy to have achieved the gift of walking. He’s as curious as the audience watching a Christopher Nolan feature. Anything can happen and there is no going back. A child just grows like a weed learning things and experiencing situations. 

People reflect on their childhood and heavily use it as art. They feel a lot safer doing it. Everything’s a carefree game when you’re small. As you grow up, times get harder and just use your childhood to feel better. Teenage and adulthood are very crucial yet are crazy stages of life. Life depends on it, almost entirely. Remember, always “let the grown ups speak”. And I can’t carry the weight of how true this statement is. 

I saw a lot of kids today. One who was just learning how to walk and another one who didn’t hello me back. He was paranoid of how I looked. 

P.S. There are a lot of things going on in my head everyday. I always look forward to write whatever seems good. And this incident regarding babies went on top. Somehow, writing about childhood always seems better. It is haunting; but feels good.